Systematically and Deliberately Silenced

I'm so sad.  I was going to put today, but really I've been sad my whole life.  I think now more than ever that my sadness stems almost entirely from my insecurities.  Not just the insecurities themselves though, because in many ways I am too smart and logical to know that they are real.  But the fact that I have insecurities at all just makes me irreparably and deeply saddened.  Every single thing that I do, I wonder if it's wrong.  Every single thing that I say, I've already accepted in my head that it's probably either wrong, or at the very least, only half right.  It's stupid before it has a chance to escape my lips.  I've received over the years so much positive feedback from both men and women, I've become somewhat successful in what I do, and I've made my life and the life that I want work for me.  And yet every single day I feel emotionally crippled by the effort that it takes to control my level of anxiety over not feeling safe.

When I say "safe," I mean safe in the sense that there is no space that I could ever habitate that would provide me with enough of a feeling of security.  I am not safe because I am not safe from my own mind, from my own insecurities.  And yet no one that reacts to this asks themselves why I might feel this way.  Well here it is people: I have been systematically and deliberately silenced my whole life.  My voice was taken away and it was GIVEN TO SOMEBODY ELSE.  Why?  Because I am a woman.  I carry tampons in my purse, I listen to Madonna, and I sometimes wear "girly" colors.  Actually I really infrequently do any of those things, but they fit the stereotype right?  Or could they all just be a product of being human?

Here's the thing: this is ugly.  It's going to sound ugly and it's going to make you uncomfortable to hear it.  Most men that I know, that I have ever met, even men I currently associate with on a daily basis, shut me up constantly.  When I try to tell them that they do, they shut me up more.  When I'm not being shut up, I'm remaining silent so that I can feel kind of safe.  Because DEAR GOD is keeping up this existence emotionally taxing!!!  Who wants to go in circles all day?  I try to speak, I'm suddenly crazy, I try to explain the reason for my "overreaction," and what do you know?  I'm crazy, annoying, clumsy, stupid, mean, rude, making someone uncomfortable, awkward, weird for being insecure.  I'm sitting in my bedroom right now, and I'm alone, and I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANY OF THOSE THINGS TODAY!  I can be what I am, what I want to be.  I can be beautiful, I can dance around and knock things over and smash things and nobody can call me names or tell me that I'm not perfect, or hold me up on a pedestal.  That should make me feel good, but the insecurities hang from me like noisy charms at all times, even when I'm alone.

I'm haunted by the imagined fear of annoying a man every single day of my life.  Does that make me unattractive, I sometimes ask myself.  Which in itself is out of control that I even ask myself that!  What would possess me to give two fucks if someone who doesn't want to listen to me thinks I'm attractive or not?  Where is this coming from, you might ask.  Well, since every time I express something, people expect it to have been "set off" by something as if I were some crazy person in a mental hospital, I will tell you.  I read an article.  A beautiful article that described everything that I'm telling to you right now.  Everything that I thought was my fault.  I posted it on Facebook.

The first thing that the article did was list these commonly heard phrases: You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Oh.  My.  God.

This is crazy, I thought to myself.  This guy knows every response I get when I try to tell someone how I feel, EVER.  FUCKING EVER.  FUCK.  I am getting so extremely upset writing this that I might have to stop.  I've had quite the week, ya know, what with my friends calling me a Femi-Nazi for standing up for women everywhere and posting articles on Facebook.  One even called me annoying.  One of them told me that I was overreacting and being overly sensitive about an issue that only affects Texas women.  I live in Texas, but even if I didn't... SO WHAT?!  I'm a woman.  I want to literally curl up in a ball and cry forever.  I actually have been all week.  I feel broken from trying so hard that I just don't want to talk anymore.  I have so much to say that I want to explode.  These conflicting emotions are actually making me feel crazy. 

Here's the thing: sometimes when I get mad at a man, I call them a name.  I say "God you're such an asshole" or I'll call them a "douche" or whatever comes to mind.  All words that we have in our language to describe people that act like that.  This enrages them beyond belief.  A NAME, how dare you call me that?  I do dare to call you that, because that's what you're being.  Call me annoying, call me an idiot, call me what I am to you so at least I can stop torturing myself in my head, wondering what you truly think of me, where your disdain is coming from.  That is emotional manipulation.  It is barely disguising the contempt that drips from your mouth and your face as you say to me, "you're too sensitive."  But what you're really saying is "wow, I hadn't thought of that, I feel dumb, and this is really inconvenient to have to talk about and listen to."  What it comes off as though is that you think I'm barely worth associating with, and you think that I'm truly stupid for feeling the way that I feel.  What if you were never going to change, but someone hated that you felt a certain way, hated your feelings, the very essence of your soul?  

A few more gems from the article: 

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.  <--- ME

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.   <--- ME

They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.  <--- ME, all the time

There are many sad things about this, but I think the one that gets me the most is that even after I post this, even if I become perfectly articulate and strong in the face of expressing my feelings to people, and even if I stop taking their bullshit, most people will still treat me like this.  It's easy to do, there's even a formula for it.  It's been happening my entire life.  It makes me very very sad, because normally I am so full of love and happiness and joy.  I have a genuine desire to care for people, to listen to their feelings and express empathy.  To hold them in my arms.  And the best that I can come up with for myself today is to write this in my lonely room with tears streaming down my face.  Maybe that means I'm "being emo" or a "drama queen," but I deserve this, and today for the first time, I really don't give a fuck.

Things are getting out of hand in this country.  That is all I have to say.

I usually leave you with an expression of love, but today I feel pretty numb from everything that's been happening, so uh... keep on trucking?