Here's the thing: No matter how run down my mom would get after working AND doing most of the chores around the house, she would still shell out money for us whenever we needed it (and she had the freedom with money to do so, of course). I realized from a young age, that money didn't mean anything if you had people to take care of you and love you in your life, and that, despite how much we complained and how hard we were to deal with, she truly valued us because we were the thing keeping her afloat. That slowly became the thing that I valued much more than money. I began to take care of people, to shell out money for my friends and boyfriends when we went out, and to share my possessions as much as I could. It made me feel really good. But the people who decided to thank me verbally instead of showing me their thanks through their actions (and I don't mean by spending money on me right back!), whether it was by calling me to hang out more, inviting me to fun events, or by general thoughtfulness, soon dropped off the face of the earth as my friends.
Fast forward to now. I live with my boyfriend, who I love. We hadn't planned on living in a house together, but after our unorthadox plans of starting a very cheap cooperative in which everyone lived in and renovated buses as tiny homes fell through, we had about a week to find this place. Neither of us were making as much money as we had been, although my income was basically the same as it had been before: not good at all. This move caused my bills to drastically increase because of the amount of money that I had to spend to go through with all of our projects on my credit cards and through borrowing it from my mother. Thus, I was forced to choose between paying slightly more for rent, chipping in for groceries for both of us, or affording utilities and other expenses. Not a great place to be in at all, especially when things were going so great for us and our relationship. I thought we had formed a bond and that now, despite him having to pay for groceries and me having to chip in for all the cooking because of our agreement, we would be doing whatever we could to work things out, together. Despite all the stress and all the time spent on cooking, I felt great about our arrangement.
The only thing we had discussed, however, was the arrangement with the groceries and cooking, and that I would pay the same amount in rent that I had at my old house, being that I had made a sacrifice to pursue the failed coop with him. We had never discussed the seemingly countless other chores we would have to take care of together around the house, despite all the free time we had had before to just hang out and bond. After awhile, I began to feel overwhelmed with cooking every day, cleaning the entire house every week, doing laundry and hanging it up to dry, picking up after everyone (including our friends who were always over), vaccuuming, wiping things down, tidying up clothes and crap all over the living room, riding the bus to and from work, working 14 hours a week at a school, writing papers every week for extra money (sometimes the equivalent of two full-time workdays, albeit from home and with some flexibility). I brought it up to him that I felt really overwhelmed and that soon I would be having a full-time job and paying for more but right now I didn't and I still felt kind of overwhelmed. It just wasn't the same as having someone around the house who noticed these things and tried to chip in, even if it was just to show me they could do it too, and it was making me feel like servant.
After a few fights, I took it upon myself on my free time at work to make a chore chart. I split the chores 50/50, thinking that was fair since we both had some free time every week to make sure they got done. In fact, he had more free time than me, but it was filled with things that he said were necessary for him to do, for our future. He built us a table in his free time that was awesome. Throughout all of this, I never forgot that he was paying for food for us, and paying more in rent than I was. I tried to find spare time to help out with the projects, wanting to learn how to use tools and to help out in any way that I could. Most of the time, though, I just felt exhausted. I realized that I was putting aside other hobbies that I wanted to pursue, such as working on my novel that was extremely important to me, working on converting my bus, and just being able to unwind with him the way we used to. He ended up telling me flat out that he didn't agree with my division of labor, because I seemed to be forgetting how much money he was chipping in every month.
Right away, something felt wrong to me. Money had never been an issue in any of my relationships that last more than year. Money, unlike chores and personal responsibility for a shared living space, was NEVER certain. And, unfortunately in this society we live in, it's never going to be. In our arguments he would say things like "well I would never put you in that position, never force you to choose between your happiness and my survival." The funny thing is, I would definitely have said that before the situations that I found myself in this year. So if it had happened the other way around, and I had money to set aside for groceries for him, I was sure that I would never make him feel bad or make him feel like he had to do more labor to make up for it. He isn't my employee, he's my partner and my lover. Not to mention, he had NEVER expressed how resentful he was about "having" to pay for stuff for me. I had thought this entire time that he was doing it gladly, because he loved me and wanted our situation to work out for both our benefits. When asked why he was so resentful, he cited past relationships as his primary reason for choosing to be resentful of me and to treat me differently. I don't think I need to point out how obvious the problems with this are. I am me! And I'm a great person, even if I don't always know how to help out with things like building and crafting wooden tables; I've certainly always tried.
Based on all of these experiences, and what I've learned over the course of my life, I sincerely believe that household labor should be divided based on who has more time, never who makes or spends more money. It is a partnership with romantic undertones, and people need to be allowed room to breathe and free time to do their own thing, or else the relationship will turn stagnant in less than a year. If it doesn't, chances are one person will feel like a slave to the other, though they stay together. If people have kids, it can get even messier. Time and money situations might change. We do plan on going into business together, and all of these recent discussions will factor into my decision whether to do that or not. Problems in our personal life will surely affect how we work together, and I can't allow that to happen, even if I try hard to shoulder my "part" of the burden; I will eventually end up being more resentful than he ever could have been for spending more money than me. Long story short: pretty soon he was fed up with the amount of dishes he was doing, even though that was his only (identified) chore, and I was fed up with the whole thing, and here we are.
Not to mention, studies have explicitly shown that women who see their men doing less housework than them, will feel less sexually attracted to them. When doing research on the topic, I found that pretty much every single advice and help blog related to the topic (a few in psychology journals online), said that in order to have a successful partnership, we must never hold money over the other person's head, as it is the most unsure thing that we could possible use as collateral. The amount of free time that a person has might change as well, and with that the amount of chores they are able to take on. In fact, time should be the deciding factor in these things, according to literally every person I've spoken to and everything I've read on the subject. To round it out, here are a few quotes from people around the internet on the topic:
One blogger, galbella, says "It seems fair to adjust the contribution to housework based on the numbers of hours of other work each person has (so that the total number of work hours is similar), but not based on income! What if one person works 50 hour weeks at a non-profit and the other works part time but makes a huge hourly wage? My observations of other couples and of my own relationship makes me believe really strongly that all income should be considered shared family money. Our worth should not be determined by our earning power, especially in family relationships!"
Another blogger, a man this time, states that, "Who makes more should absolutely not be an issue, but the person who has more time doing more around the house shouldn't be a problem. All work, whether it's at home or away, should be considered contributions to the running of the house, put in the pot and divided as needed. Keeping score leads to resentment."
Angry blogger: "It should upset that he brings up the salary differential, because it's hurtful and arrogant of him to point it out.
And don't use the "oh he's a male scientist, he isn't capable of emotions" argument. Both my DH and I are engineers and we don't do this kind of thing to each other."
Not entirely satisfied with my research on the topic, even after reading about 150 comments like these, I decided to ask a few of my friends and acquaintances, telling them I was conducting a survey to see how their own personal household chores were divided and what were the deciding factors for those. My friends come from a very different variety of backgrounds, and one of them has a family with children. These were the answers, not surprisingly:
"what I can tell you is, that between my girlfriend and I there hasnt ever been anything like this. we are actively conscious of what we do for each other and never think twice about helping. if i see that she needs help, ill do it. if im on my ass and asks for me help ill do it. if i spent alot of money on her for year, i never ever go back on it and tell her that she owes me or make her feel bad about it. she never makes me feel bad that im broke and has to pay for me all the time now. if i need help she is there. if she needs help im there. when you are in a relationship, you do things together naturally and harmoniously with out taking a vengeful you did this you did that approach" - Anonymous friend
Another friend had this to say about his and his wife's respective duties and lifestyles: "Mostly its what we were just comfortable doing with our schedules the way they are. Taking care of the baby is truly a full time job by its self. Im sort of a perfectionist so I like to do most of the chores myself. I come from a family of 4 brothers so I was ironing my own clothes by 12. We have been together since 2006 but have known each other since 5th grade. My wife is at home more because of the baby so for the last year she cut back at work. I work full time and am gone from home more often. I make most of the money. Money doesnt play a role in who does what re: chores."
Another friend on him and his girlfriend's living arrangements: "we both do house chores like cleaning the kitchen and the bedroom. we probably don't clean the living room as much because we don't spend a lot of time in there. money doesn't have anything to do with it. sometimes i'll spot her on things and vice versa. i cook because i don't mind doing it and because i know more about cooking. she cleans up after dinner because it's fair. i mean if we made the same amount and she only worked one hour a day, i would still expect her to do more chores."
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this post! It has been a real learning experience for me, even though everyone agreed with my basic views on the topic. I have tried to conduct interviews where I did not influence people's answers, and I really appreciate their honesty on the topic. I hope this post can help even one person to realize the true potential of a partnership, and not to treat it like a business, or to be tempted to use the amount you make or spend as an incentive to treat the other person like their own personal Cinderella! We all do what we can for one another, and we should value the bond and the relationships that form from giving selflessly to one another. No matter what happened in our past, we must never forget who will fill our future full of light and love! If we take our anger out on them, we will have only our angry selves in the end. Also, be honest with one another! If you don't feel that you have enough money to buy something that you really need, because you are spending it all on someone else's groceries, then make sure you set aside a few dollars here and there for yourself. These are YOUR choices, don't let the resentment build up, because selfishness isn't the only thing that can ruin a relationship. Before you know it, the person who thought you were doing something sweet for them can start to feel like a slave in their own home because you think they owe you manual labor, and you will be confused about why you still resent that person so much. Could it be that you need to make a different choice about how to alot your own money? After all, people do not force you to give them anything and they certainly don't want blame and no free time for doing happy things if you do decide to help them out. Chores are menial tasks, and you wouldn't want to do 20 hours of meaningless tasks every week, if both of the people who made the mess could chip in and do 10; Perhaps even try to use it as a bonding activity. Now there's an idea for a great relationship!
Peace and love, friends.