So, if you're dating someone and they tell you that they want to be a hoe, but weren't given the opportunity, and you know they're not really joking...
Are you supposed to feel happy that they chose to date you instead of doing that, or shitty that you couldn't be just a one-night stand, because apparently THEN you would mean more to them at this point in their life than an actual girlfriend would?! Or are you supposed to feel shitty that they weren't popular enough with the ladies to be a hoe so they have to be monogamous?
I feel none of those things. Just sort of angry that people don't do what they want and involve me in their silliness when all I want to do is be happy and not have my self-esteem lowered constantly for no reason. Maybe I'm over thinking things. But seriously?
There are different types of hoes. Which one do you want to be? The person who hoes out the emotions of the person that they choose to be with, or a person who fucks everything?
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
A Response to the Eternal Quagmire of Monogamy
Last night I was having a (somewhat) romantic dinner with my boyfriend at a sushi bar, and the question of monogamy came up. Since we had been discussing something else all day, I thought it best to leave the question (and answer) for another day. In short, I avoided the subject entirely. I didn't do this because I didn't think it should be discussed, or because I was afraid of the conclusion that we would come to, but rather because I also don't know what to think about it. That, and I was still a little shaken up by our previous night's discussion that had transitioned into the following day. The fact is that it is something that should be talked about, and there are many reasons, in my opinion, for doing so.
This is no new thing for me, this questioning monogamy business. And with so many conflicting views out there, with an overwhelming majority of people agreeing that monogamy is the way to go, how do we know what the "right" choice is? Once we make a choice to become monogamous, how do we find out for sure what fuels us in that decision-making process? Now I'm operating under the assumption that monogamy is a choice, because though science has shown that some of us may have certain genetic predispositions to monogamy, not all of us act in a consistently monogamous way. By that I mean that human beings have been shown by science to be mostly monogamous with polygamous tendencies, perhaps due to circumstances like population and male to female ratio. We as a species have not always been monogamous, because there was a time, long ago, where we numbered far less than we do now and it was in our best interest to spread our genes far and wide.
Genetic diversity aside, we do have chemicals in our brains that have been shown to aid us in our quest for a monogamous relationship. There are stimulating activities that we can do with our partners to "solidify" the bond that we have and sort of imprint it upon our brains that this person excites us and that they are the "correct" one for us, such as engaging in exercise and high-risk activities that release chemicals in our brains like adrenaline and dopamine, both stimulating. The idea of there being a "correct" person for us is ludicrous, of course, because there are many different genes that would ultimately benefit our offspring in different ways, and not all of them belong to the same person; perhaps not even the person that we have chosen to call our own.
When my boyfriend mentioned that he wasn't sure what he believed about monogamy, I experienced a little flutter in my stomach (heart?), and that's normal. We all want to believe that we are the right one for our significant other, because we've all sort of unknowingly started out on this arduous quest for a mate and have soon realized that it's a lot more difficult than we thought to stay faithful. This knowledge instills in us a sort of jealous realization that perhaps our significant other might be having similar thoughts. Of course I would never compromise my boyfriend's right to question his relationships with people for my own feelings, however normal they may be. Why? Because I know it's not his fault that he feels this way: it's science. And I'm sure he would be happy to hear me say that I also ask the same questions.
Neither of us is religiously inclined (or should I say, neither of us has been infected with a religious inclination), and therefore know that that at least is not our deciding factor for staying monogamous, if we choose to do so. With that thought in mind, I attempt to shuffle through thousands of years of polygamous and monogamous behavior, set on figuring out what is the best choice for me. Let's face it, even though you may love your partner, honesty is always the best policy. If you do not want to be monogamous, you will not be, no matter how much you lie to yourself and your partner, or try to convince yourself that you do want to be, or that you can even make that choice and stick with it. Because couples that attempt to form a long-term, monogamous relationship overall experience a decrease in sex-drive over the years, I believe it is important to know the ways in which our brains work to help us find new and exciting ways to bond with each other.
Having experienced bouts of polygamy myself, I know that it personally makes me feel miserable to be polygamous. I have not specifically tried polyamory, but I have had more than a sexual relationship with a few people at once. I hate it. Is it biologically fueled hatred in my case? Perhaps I carry the gene that makes me predisposed to monogamy, if it does indeed exist, which studies have indicated it might. And if so, how do I find out if my lover also carries the gene? I know at the very least that he has other desireable genes, because I'm extremely attracted to him physically, in addition to admiring his capacity to learn and create. Perhaps it would be in my best interest not to know, knowing also that he must also make a choice and our choices must inform each other's, if we are to be happy and have a fulfilling relationship. The point is I can't know that for sure, but I can know something, based on my own personal experience with sex and relationships. So here are some conclusions that I've reached, for better or worse:
The bottom line for me is that we ARE beings that aren't exclusively about sex and procreation, we like to consider the meaning of many things, to explore the world and everything and everyone in it, and to make conclusions based upon scientific observation and research. We like to form bonds with people based on ideological similarities, among other reasons, and we work hard to preserve those bonds; they do give us a certain satisfaction. So, I think that in my personal journey I've discovered the joys and horrors of both monogamy and polygamy, but at the end of the day, I choose to be monogamous. I feel no biological need, in today's world, to copulate and/or procreate with many people. I think the mistake that people make is using the example of a failed marriage or a young love that ended in disaster as to why polygamy is the better option. Those people did not have respect for that person first, they didn't spend the time it took to really get to know someone and to consider if they could embrace the good and the bad things about that person, and they certainly didn't take the time to consider their own role in the relationship. They are not good examples of how a relationship can work. They are good examples of how lust mistaken for love ends.
Links to Research:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-x-chromosome-and-monogamy
http://articles.latimes.com/2012/may/28/science/la-sci-human-monogamy-20120529
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/monogamy?page=4
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201212/are-monogamous-relationships-really-better
This is no new thing for me, this questioning monogamy business. And with so many conflicting views out there, with an overwhelming majority of people agreeing that monogamy is the way to go, how do we know what the "right" choice is? Once we make a choice to become monogamous, how do we find out for sure what fuels us in that decision-making process? Now I'm operating under the assumption that monogamy is a choice, because though science has shown that some of us may have certain genetic predispositions to monogamy, not all of us act in a consistently monogamous way. By that I mean that human beings have been shown by science to be mostly monogamous with polygamous tendencies, perhaps due to circumstances like population and male to female ratio. We as a species have not always been monogamous, because there was a time, long ago, where we numbered far less than we do now and it was in our best interest to spread our genes far and wide.
Genetic diversity aside, we do have chemicals in our brains that have been shown to aid us in our quest for a monogamous relationship. There are stimulating activities that we can do with our partners to "solidify" the bond that we have and sort of imprint it upon our brains that this person excites us and that they are the "correct" one for us, such as engaging in exercise and high-risk activities that release chemicals in our brains like adrenaline and dopamine, both stimulating. The idea of there being a "correct" person for us is ludicrous, of course, because there are many different genes that would ultimately benefit our offspring in different ways, and not all of them belong to the same person; perhaps not even the person that we have chosen to call our own.
When my boyfriend mentioned that he wasn't sure what he believed about monogamy, I experienced a little flutter in my stomach (heart?), and that's normal. We all want to believe that we are the right one for our significant other, because we've all sort of unknowingly started out on this arduous quest for a mate and have soon realized that it's a lot more difficult than we thought to stay faithful. This knowledge instills in us a sort of jealous realization that perhaps our significant other might be having similar thoughts. Of course I would never compromise my boyfriend's right to question his relationships with people for my own feelings, however normal they may be. Why? Because I know it's not his fault that he feels this way: it's science. And I'm sure he would be happy to hear me say that I also ask the same questions.
Neither of us is religiously inclined (or should I say, neither of us has been infected with a religious inclination), and therefore know that that at least is not our deciding factor for staying monogamous, if we choose to do so. With that thought in mind, I attempt to shuffle through thousands of years of polygamous and monogamous behavior, set on figuring out what is the best choice for me. Let's face it, even though you may love your partner, honesty is always the best policy. If you do not want to be monogamous, you will not be, no matter how much you lie to yourself and your partner, or try to convince yourself that you do want to be, or that you can even make that choice and stick with it. Because couples that attempt to form a long-term, monogamous relationship overall experience a decrease in sex-drive over the years, I believe it is important to know the ways in which our brains work to help us find new and exciting ways to bond with each other.
Having experienced bouts of polygamy myself, I know that it personally makes me feel miserable to be polygamous. I have not specifically tried polyamory, but I have had more than a sexual relationship with a few people at once. I hate it. Is it biologically fueled hatred in my case? Perhaps I carry the gene that makes me predisposed to monogamy, if it does indeed exist, which studies have indicated it might. And if so, how do I find out if my lover also carries the gene? I know at the very least that he has other desireable genes, because I'm extremely attracted to him physically, in addition to admiring his capacity to learn and create. Perhaps it would be in my best interest not to know, knowing also that he must also make a choice and our choices must inform each other's, if we are to be happy and have a fulfilling relationship. The point is I can't know that for sure, but I can know something, based on my own personal experience with sex and relationships. So here are some conclusions that I've reached, for better or worse:
- The main purpose of sex is to procreate, however pretty we dress it up, and since that's true, we must consider whether or not we want to have one or all of our offspring with our current partner (or partners, I guess).
- We must not lie to ourselves about what we want. My boyfriend wondered whether or not one person could succeed in satisfying the lust of another. I don't know the answer to that for sure, but I suspect that it's different for everyone. Once you examine what it is that you really want, you will know the right thing to do. He told me that he believed in an objective reality, but it seems that in the realm of sex, love, and babies, there may not be one.
- Monogamy is something that you should not compromise on. Your life is about making YOU happy, first and foremost, and I'm sure your lover would not want you living a lie (or to be living within your lie). Saying "I'll do it but I don't want to" is a recipe for disaster, whether you're for monogamy or against it.
- There is solid proof that human beings are not exclusively monogamous, but evidence for about when we started leaning more towards monogamy. That being said, we still practice polyamory and polygamy enough to consider it's benefits and drawbacks, both from a social and biological perspective. For me there was a deep dissatisfaction that I felt, and I wasn't sure why. I wasn't fulfilled in other ways that were important to me, I guess. For me those include: respect for my partner, and my partner having respect for me, bonding activities other than sex, the opportunity for comfortable exploration of sexual activities, and the satisfaction of working hard at something that can be really fulfilling in many different ways. Once you grow out of the stage of life where you unwittingly stifle the bejeezus out of your partners, you too may achieve nirvana.
The bottom line for me is that we ARE beings that aren't exclusively about sex and procreation, we like to consider the meaning of many things, to explore the world and everything and everyone in it, and to make conclusions based upon scientific observation and research. We like to form bonds with people based on ideological similarities, among other reasons, and we work hard to preserve those bonds; they do give us a certain satisfaction. So, I think that in my personal journey I've discovered the joys and horrors of both monogamy and polygamy, but at the end of the day, I choose to be monogamous. I feel no biological need, in today's world, to copulate and/or procreate with many people. I think the mistake that people make is using the example of a failed marriage or a young love that ended in disaster as to why polygamy is the better option. Those people did not have respect for that person first, they didn't spend the time it took to really get to know someone and to consider if they could embrace the good and the bad things about that person, and they certainly didn't take the time to consider their own role in the relationship. They are not good examples of how a relationship can work. They are good examples of how lust mistaken for love ends.
Links to Research:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-x-chromosome-and-monogamy
http://articles.latimes.com/2012/may/28/science/la-sci-human-monogamy-20120529
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/monogamy?page=4
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201212/are-monogamous-relationships-really-better
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